Do you see yourself in scenarios like these?
- Your coworker asks if you can help with a project. You’re swamped with work but instead of saying no you say, “Sure, I can help!” and end up working late to finish everything.
- You don’t get the dish you ordered in a restaurant. Instead of speaking up, you just eat it because you don’t want to make more work for the server.
- Your family invites you to a last-minute gathering. You had planned a relaxing night for yourself and you need the downtime, but you say yes because you feel bad saying no.
If you usually put other people’s needs before your own, even when it leaves you feeling drained, you might be struggling with people-pleasing behavior. People-pleasing happens when you feel a strong urge to make others happy, even at your own expense. Kindness and generosity are good traits but always prioritizing others can lead to stress, burnout, resentment and frustration.
"Being a people pleaser is not a diagnosis or a medical term. It is a personality trait where you consistently strive to please others, even if it may mean sacrificing your own needs," said Denise Black, a social worker with Banner Health.
"Being a people pleaser can reflect how much you value connections, belonging and caring for others. Although this comes from good intentions, it is driven by fear. It is a form of giving up your power and giving away your power. And it often suppresses your emotions and could be a way of avoiding having to feel your true feelings,” she said.
People pleasers may go out of their way to avoid conflict and seek approval and may feel guilty when they say no. Some common signs of people-pleasing include:
- Feeling bad when setting boundaries
- Taking on too many tasks
- Putting others' happiness before your own
- Avoiding confrontation at all costs
These patterns may become part of your identity. They may seem small to you but they can lead to emotional exhaustion and losing your identity.
The roots of people-pleasing behavior
"There are several factors that can cause someone to be a people pleaser," Black said. It often begins in childhood. Being praised for good behavior and receiving love and attention only when pleasing others may have led you to a habit of ignoring your own needs.
Society can reinforce these patterns by valuing selflessness and discouraging assertiveness. Over time these beliefs become ingrained, making it hard to break free.
Some possible causes of people-pleasing include:
- Anxiety: A person with anxiety may people please to avoid conflict, fit in or prevent rejection.
- Trauma: People pleasing can be a trauma response, where people seek approval or admiration from others.
- Inequality: Feeling unequal in relationships can make some people feel responsible for others' well-being.
- Culture: Cultural expectations may teach some people that their role is to put others first.
- Low self-esteem: "People who feel they are not as important as others or do not deserve as much as others can be people-pleasers," Black said.
The connection between people-pleasing behavior and codependency
People pleasing is closely tied to codependency, which happens when a person relies too much on others for approval or self-worth. In a codependent relationship, one person’s well-being becomes overly dependent on the other.
For example, one person may feel like they can only be valued or loved if they make the other person happy. This can lead to an unhealthy cycle of giving without receiving which can be hard to escape. It can harm personal well-being and cause resentment, frustration and anxiety.
"There are several components of people pleasing that overlap with codependency," Black said. They include:
- Putting others’ needs above your own
- Feeling responsible for others’ happiness
- Fear of rejection
- The desire for validation and approval
The impact of people pleasing on mental and physical health
Constantly trying to please others can take a toll on your mental and physical health:
- Anxiety: Fear of rejection or disappointing others can increase anxiety.
- Burnout: Constantly worrying about others' needs can be emotionally and mentally exhausting.
- Acute and chronic stress: Always prioritizing others can create high levels of stress.
Physically, stress from people pleasing can cause headaches, digestive issues, fatigue and sleep problems. Ignoring your own needs for too long can lead to burnout, leaving you feeling empty and exhausted.
Ways to break free from people-pleasing patterns
If you recognize people-pleasing behavior in yourself, you can create healthier habits. Here are some steps to get you started:
- Set boundaries: "You can practice saying no. Start with small situations and work your way up to more significant situations," Black said. Turn down requests that don’t match your priorities or values.
- Make decisions on your own: Many people pleasers rely on others' opinions when making choices. Practicing independent decision making can help you build confidence.
- Resist the urge to offer: "People pleasers are quick to offer to do things for others or give advice. Only offer when specifically asked," Black said.
- Work on your internal dialogue: "Turning your dialogue around by reassuring yourself about your positive qualities instead of waiting for others' validation will help chip away at the urge to people-please," Black said.
- Prioritize self-care: Take time to engage in a hobby, practice mindfulness or simply rest.
- Build self-worth: Practice self-compassion and remind yourself that your value isn't based on how much you give to others.
- Practice assertiveness: Express your thoughts, feelings and needs clearly and respectfully so you can create healthier, more balanced relationships.
When to seek professional help
Sometimes, people pleasing is deeply rooted and difficult to change on your own. If it affects your mental health or relationships, professional support can help.
"When people pleasing starts to significantly impact your life, it could be time to seek professional help," Black said. Signs that you may want to try therapy include:
- People-pleasing is interfering with your relationships
- Your work performance is suffering
- You’re neglecting self-care
- You feel extreme guilt when you say no
- You feel disconnected from your true self
Therapy, especially cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), can help you recognize and change your negative thought patterns. A therapist can also help you build self-esteem, set boundaries and find healthier ways to connect with others. Seeking help is a step toward a more balanced and fulfilling life.
The bottom line
People pleasing often comes from deep-seated beliefs and past experiences, but it doesn’t have to control your life. By understanding what causes it, you can start making healthier choices.
Setting boundaries, practicing self-care and seeking professional support can help you break free from these patterns. Remember, it’s okay to say no and it’s okay to put yourself first.
If you're struggling with people-pleasing behavior or codependency, help is available. Reach out to your health care provider or an expert at Banner Health to connect with counseling and therapy services. You can overcome these challenges and build healthier relationships.
